Sometimes you need a shadowed nook.

Well, this is now my dark corner. I can put what I want where I want for as long as I want here. Homework, essays, rants, you name it. Not that you guys get an option in this.

08/29/05 - I dont know what I am doing any more. I think this is right, I think... DAMN, why is this so complicated, its just... but if I do this wrong, I wont just be hurting myself or myselves, but her as well... she is so fragile... I must not say or do anything without thinking about it, she deserves better... Maybe I should hold back. But. She cant handle that... I am all she has that has gone right, bad luck that I am so far down the pit already. I still feel dead inside, so cold. Why. God, I wish I understood why. And those creatures in power, I NEED YOU TO LISTEN! Do you SEE what we are seeing? I see such sadness in these children, and I want to help but if I do I will just be pulling them down as well... I best stay away and run the other way, hide. I had that dream. I better post it before I forget my horror...

09/17/04 - Family is in the path of the hurricane. High waves, tornados and floods. I think I can say that I am worried.

09/05/04 - Im changing my page around. I am also trying to avoid mentioning... well, you know.

08/30/04 - I screwed up... but I always do. I knew from the start of this how this would end, but GOD IT SUCKS when i am right. BUT I wont let it stop me. I have suffered for so long alone, i am just tender right now because I felt that someone could stand me. I shall NOT give in, I will continue to try and go to classes. I may feel abandoned, at a new school and surrounded by strangers, but I deserve it. Damn it all, I just thought that this time it would be different... I was never as happy as I was when someone cared if I was alive. Figgures I would find a way to loose it all. Now, I have to go to sleep. I have to bike 5 miles to fail a class. ohgodithurts,whydoesithurt sofreakingmuch... You know, I didnt feel bad loosing friends, future, pets or reletives. But god, the pain right now. I just need to somehow bottle it like I did before, just... just shut it all out. I am just so... oh god... I mean, does it matter? I spend 3 frantic days trying to regain contact to the internet soley to talk to her, and I loose it all in one night, the kind words... She believed in me, SHE thought i was smart, She seemed to like me. And I never even got enough money to meet her before I screwed it up. I DONT GIVE A FLYING RATS ASS about anything else online... All my surfing was so that I could have something to talk to her about, to get her to laugh or feel good... damn it all, why did this have to happen...

07/17/04 - So no one visits anymore? Hmm. Maybe I can update my home page...

06/26/04 - Sigh, I think dove is not interested in me. When we find time in our scheduals to talk, she never asks about me at all, and rarely says anything back to me that matters... I have questions I would like to ask, but I dont know how. I have things I want to say, but I dont want to say them where she could get hurt... Even if it dosent involve her, she feels pain when Im angry, and I dont want that. Right now, I am seething with anger, because of my job and my weakness, but I cant share this level of hurt without causeing pain. I need someone to talk to... On a side note, Dove is drifting away I think. See, I warned her from the beggining that Im a strange, horrible person in the inside, but she always said I was better than I thought... But like my other friends, she is slipping away. Very slowly. But unlike my other friends, I have opened up to her more than ANYONE, more than anything... I have told her all of my darkest shames and grim shadows, and she didnt cast me away... I am fighting for her, trying to keep her from leaving me. I know I shouldnt, but it would hurt too much to loose her... I keep trying to get her to talk, I am trying to keep her interested, but I dont think its working. I dont want to be alone again, it hurts a lot...

06/11/04 - Im not doing well. I am running out of things to talk about, and things to do... My job keeps me in ill health, and tired most of the time. I may not be able to actually do any big projects until college starts up again. Sterling has stood by me, no matter how rude I am, and that has helped. My career is basically in shambles, and my future is a lot more cloudy than it was before.

05/09/04 - Man, when these last two weeks are over, I will be SO glad to just work for a summer... God, if I have to write one more paper this year, I will cut someone with toilet paper and poor deturgen on em, then see if I can pin the tail on the moron with their ankles. Also, as I read the stuff below, I have to think... What the heck was I eating? Was it the air? Some kind of Virus? Meh, who knows.

05/04/04 - ... guys, its not worth it. the site, the pain... Im in love, and I cried... I havent cried since i was like 9, and I was sobbing and tears were... do you guys realise.... there is no... i mean, i cant support her, or move to maine, or even buy a PENCIL to write the name of a plane, much less visit. I am a devil, a single hellhound searching for love everywere, who actually found it, and is getting his body torn. WHAT THE F*** DO YOU DO?!? she has her own problems, me amoung em, and she doesnt have reason or time to waste with me. god, guys I am so... I want to wait in line with her. Just wait in line... or maybe buy milk. or some stupid everyday thing that you take for granted, but that will never happen... I want to see her smile, without cameras or reason, just see her eyes... Needless to say, im sad, a man who has a love that will never come to be, with somone who loves him back. you know what? life sucks, fate is a bit**, and GOD ALMIGHTY I KNOW YOUR READING THIS, STOP SCREWING WITH ME DA** YOU!!!!!!!

04/26/04 - I have been told I am a slacker, a waste of money, a do nothing. I have been told to not go to college for a few years. I... I will not be spending time on games, site, or anything related to either. I have no choice. I will not give up my... well... I wont give up at least saying hi to my friends... God, I wish I could cry...